


I Deserve This

by PolkadotSunstar



Category: Mighty Ducks (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 04:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8190311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolkadotSunstar/pseuds/PolkadotSunstar
Summary: Adam never felt like he deserved a damn good thing in his life. And then there was Charlie.





	

It’s hard sometimes, being Adam Banks.  People look at me, but they don’t _see_ me.  The Ducks...none of them really know me, they’re my “friends” but they don’t know a damn thing about me.  Adam only cares about hockey.  That’s what everyone says, it’s what they all think.  I hide behind hockey; I use it as a shield.  The team sees me as a spoiled rich kid, they think I have everything I could ever want.  My family may have money, but money could never make me happy, money could never give me everything I want.  Money doesn’t give me Charlie.

I’ve been in love with Charlie since the day I became a Duck.  At the time, I didn’t know it was love, I didn’t know what it was.  All I knew was that he was the first one to accept me, to make me feel welcome, he was the first one to smile at me.  If I’m being honest, Charlie was the first friend I ever had.  Before I was a Duck, I had teammates, but I never had friends.  I thought they were my friends but the second I switched teams, they dropped me so fast I didn’t even see it coming.  I was so scared at first, so scared of being alone that I almost didn’t show up for my first day as a Duck.  I was so afraid that no one would talk to me, afraid that my new teammates would bully me the way my old teammates and I used to bully them.  And then there was Charlie.  Charlie has always amazed me, since that first day.  He has this way of making you love him, even if you don’t want to.  He always makes sure everyone is included, he doesn’t want anyone to feel left out, and even though we didn’t talk much right away, I knew he was there and I knew he _would_ be there, if I needed him.

I guess I realized I was in love with Charlie during the Junior Goodwill Games.  When I hurt my wrist, Charlie checked in on me every day.  He made sure I was taking care of myself and I could tell that Charlie was worried, and I knew that Charlie cared, not just because I was his teammate, either, Charlie genuinely _cared_.  I had never felt that before, felt someone care.  My dad called me when he heard about my wrist and he told me I better not let the injury keep me from playing.  He went on and on about the scouts, about how I needed to perform.  He told me if I didn’t play, I might as well not come home.  Having Charlie there, having him _care_ , when he had no real reason to care, helped me get through it, helped me ignore the pain I felt in my chest over my dad’s rejection.  And then when Charlie gave up his spot on the team for _me_ , I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing.  Hockey means so much to Charlie, even more to him than it does to me, but I _need_ hockey and somehow Charlie knew that.  Somehow Charlie knew I needed to play in that game and he gave that to me.  It was then that I realized my feelings for Charlie were more than friendly.

When we got home from the Junior Goodwill Games, I went home, reluctantly.  Life with my dad was bearable, more bearable than it had been in some time.  I had impressed him with my performance against Iceland and he laid off of me a little bit.  He was still strict, I wasn’t allowed to go out, except to practice hockey and no one was allowed over, under any circumstances.  When I wasn’t practicing, I was studying, getting ahead in my studies for the year so that I would have more time to focus on hockey and improving my game.  It had been a few weeks since the last time my dad hit me, I guess he didn’t have a reason to at that time, he was still proud of me.  Being home wasn’t too bad when I was distracted with my studies and with my practicing.  Being at home was awful when I was alone in my room with my thoughts, trying to sleep.  That’s when my thoughts would drift to Charlie. 

I would lay awake replaying Charlie taking care of me and helping me through my injury, Charlie smiling at me, Charlie giving up his spot on the team, Charlie with his arm around my shoulder, Charlie laughing, Charlie being _Charlie_.  It was painful, thinking of Charlie made my heart ache.  I was wondering what it all meant, wondering if what I was feeling for Charlie meant that I was gay.  I had never thought of myself as being gay, but I had never thought of myself as being straight either, just kind of assumed that I was.  I didn’t know what Charlie meant for my sexuality.  I wasn’t attracted to any other guys, but I had never felt attracted to any girls either, and I began to think that maybe Charlie just defined sexuality to me, that there wasn’t anyone else, just Charlie.  And the more I thought, the more painful it became.  I knew I would never have Charlie the way I wanted to have Charlie, and I knew if anyone ever found out…I would be done.  My dad, my dad would kill me.  The Ducks…would any of them ever look at me the same?  Would Charlie?  Would Charlie ever smile at me again?  Would he ever sling his arm over my shoulder and tug me in close in his typical Charlie way?  I was so scared of being gay, so scared of loving Charlie, so scared of _being me_.

\--

When we got our invitations to attend Eden Hall, I had mixed feelings.  I was thrilled to see Charlie every day, but also terrified.  I was afraid of giving away how I felt, and I was even more afraid that spending so much time with Charlie would make it even harder for me, make my heart ache a little more.  When I made Varsity, I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t want to leave Charlie, but at the same time, I _needed_ to leave Charlie, I needed to be away from him, I needed to get over him.  That year was hard for me.  I was never close with any of the Ducks, I never got the feeling we were friends, they only liked me because I was a good player, and they needed me.  I only ever felt a connection to Charlie, and even with Charlie, I was never sure how real our friendship was, I didn’t know how much was made up in my head because of my feelings for him and how much was just Charlie being a good teammate, a good captain, or how much was just Charlie feeling bad for me for not having any real friends.  Once I made Varsity, I had hopes for things being different, I thought maybe this was the chance for me to make some real friends, but my new teammates had no desire to be my friend.  The rest of the varsity team only wanted me around because they knew it would piss off the Ducks, they wanted to use me to hurt them, hurt Charlie.  At first I let them, I figured if I hurt Charlie, he would hate me, he would never want anything to do with me again, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, that would make my feelings go away.  Going along with everything Varsity wanted only made things worse.  Hurting Charlie hurt me more than I ever could have imagined, hurting Charlie broke my heart.  He looked at me with such hurt in his eyes that I couldn’t live with myself.  I wanted nothing more than to quit Varsity but was afraid of what would happen at home if I did.

I never expected Charlie to forgive me.  I had stayed late one day after practice and was in the locker room.  I was upset, I was lonely, and I was hurting.  I didn’t expect anyone to come in.  When Charlie walked in, I was sitting on the bench in the corner of the locker room with my head in my hands, so close to tears, I would have been the laughing stock of the team if anyone else from JV or Varsity had walked in.  Charlie should have hated me, probably did hate me, but even in hating me, he saw the state I was in and he stopped and took the time to ask me what was wrong.  When I looked up into Charlie’s eyes, I felt my heart break, I saw the pain he was feeling, and it reflected the pain _I_ was feeling.  He sat down and put his hand on my shoulder, I felt my eyes start to water.  Charlie opened his mouth to speak, and I cut him off.

“Charlie, I’m so sorry.  I know you must hate me.  _I_ hate me.  I don’t even know what to say.  I hate being on Varsity, I _hate_ what they’re doing to you...what _I’m_ doing to you.  I don’t blame you if you never want to speak to me again, I can barely live with myself.  I don’t even want to _play_ hockey anymore, not if it means hurting you, hurting the Ducks.  I’m sorry I’ve been going along with what they want, I’m sorry we’ve been torturing you, I _hate_ myself— “

I began to shake as I drifted off, I looked down at the floor as the tears began to fall.  I hated myself for being weak, especially in front of Charlie, I hated myself for breaking down.  I hated that I didn’t even know what to _say._   I hated that I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to make things better.  Charlie didn’t say anything, he just rubbed my shoulder and stared at the ground.  When I dared to look up, he had an angry look on his face, a look I had never seen on him before.  I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and I stood up, as I started to walk away Charlie grabbed my wrist.  I yanked my wrist out of his grasp and without turning around addressed him again, “you never cared about me, Charlie, none of the Ducks did, and you’re all better off without me.”

\--

When I got home that night, my dad knew something was up, he told me to go practice and I ignored him.  I went up to my room and slammed the door, I crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling, replaying what had happened with Charlie in my mind.  I squeezed my eyes shut tight, willing the tears away, as I rolled onto my side.  I heard my dad’s heavy footsteps on the stairs and I prayed he would let my behavior slide, prayed that he wouldn’t come into my room.  When the door to my room opened, I squeezed my eyes even tighter, willing him away, hoping he would just leave me alone.  I felt him stop at the foot of my bed and I sighed and rolled over, opening my eyes and looking up at him, seeing how angry he was.  I heard my mom singing downstairs while she made dinner, knowing she would ignore what my dad was doing, just as she always had.

“Get the fuck _up_ , Adam.”

“Sir—I—“ He cut me off, and grabbed the front of my shirt, hauling me up.

“You worthless, _piece of shit_ ,” he screamed, shoving me up against the wall, his knee digging into my stomach, “when I tell you to _do something_ , you _fucking do it_.”

I turned my head to the side, not wanting to look at him, not wanting to hear him.  It was always the same.  He would yell for a while, telling me there was no reason for him to even let me _live_ there, telling me I wasn’t good for anything, telling me my only chance at having a decent future would be me becoming half decent at hockey.  He loved to tell me how much everyone hates me, how I don’t have any friends, how I would always be alone because I’m nothing but a pathetic loser.  I hated listening to him because I knew he was right.  I didn’t have any friends, I never had, and I never would.  I always tuned him out when he yelled at me, I didn’t need to hear what I already knew, what I already felt every day.  I just waited, waited for him to finish yelling, waited for him to hit me, waited for him to leave.  The part that came after the yelling was always different, sometimes he hit me, sometimes he didn’t.  Sometimes he apologized and told me he was just looking out for me, other times he would just look at me with disgust, shake his head and walk away. 

This time, he hit me.  He grabbed my hair and kneed me hard in the stomach, he punched me in the eye, he stomped on my foot, he twisted my arm behind my back and kicked me in the shin.  He let go of me and I crumpled to the floor, not caring enough to protect myself from the incoming blows, feeling like I deserved it.  He kicked me a few times, before laughing and walking away.  I stayed in a heap on the floor for what felt like hours, before pulling myself up and sitting down on my bed.  Everything hurt but nothing hurt as much as my heart did, and I knew I deserved it, I deserved the beating, deserved my broken heart.

\--

When I went to school the next day, I passed Charlie in the hallway, and I kept my head down, I didn’t want to look at him, I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist, I wanted to pretend I had never hurt him.  I skipped practice that day, something I had never done before.  I went to the library, knowing no one from the team would look for me there, knowing I would be able to be alone.  I had been in the library for a few hours, staring at my homework when Charlie came in.  I didn’t look up when the door opened, I only looked up when I saw the chair across from me move back and saw someone sitting down.  I glanced up, and I was staring it Charlie’s beautiful, eyes, the hurt still evident.

“Adam…what happened?”

I started to stand up, “like you care, Charlie.”

He stood up too, his eyes pleading with me, “Please Adam, just talk to me.  I don’t hate you.  I hate what you’ve been doing, how you’ve been acting, but I don’t hate you.  I could never hate you!”

“Don’t, Charlie, just don’t.  I don’t need you pretending you care about me, no one cares about me, it’s fine, I’m used to it.  Just leave me alone, and I’ll leave you alone.  You won’t have to deal with me anymore, because I’m not going to keep playing for Varsity, I can’t.”

“Adam, of course I care about you, you’re my _friend_.  Just because we haven’t been getting along, it doesn’t mean we aren’t friends anymore.  People care about you, the Ducks, they care about you, they just don’t like this version of you, the version that’s been making our year hell.  They might be mad at you, but I know it isn’t you.  You can’t quit Varsity, you just _can’t_.  You were born to play hockey, Adam, you can’t just walk away from it.”

“I only even _play_ hockey because my dad will disown me if I don’t!  I don’t love it anymore; it isn’t _fun_ anymore.  I hate what the game has done to me, I hate that it made me hurt you guys.”

“Your dad…?  Is he the reason for those bruises?  Adam, you have to tell someone.”

“I can’t, Charlie,” I whispered, “I can’t tell anyone, no one would even _believe_ me.  My dad has money, he has power, he could make my life a living hell, I can never tell.”

“Then play with us again, Adam.  Don’t quit hockey, don’t make things worse with your dad, just come play for JV, I miss you, Adam.  I know you don’t want to believe me, but I do miss you, and I am your friend.”

I couldn’t understand why Charlie was being so nice to me.  No one is ever nice to me.  In fact, when I think about it, Charlie is the only person in my life, who has _ever_ been nice to me.  I glanced up at Charlie, and he looked so honest, so sincere, his eyes were begging me to listen to him, begging me to come back and play with the Ducks.  I knew my dad would hate me for giving up Varsity, but he would hate me more if I gave up hockey and my scholarship to Eden Hall.

\--

The other Ducks weren’t quite as forgiving as Charlie, which didn’t bother me so much, I never really talked to any of them anyway.  Charlie kept on them though, and they were all civil, at the very least.  I kept to myself, same as I always did, but Charlie was there every day, checking up on me, making sure everything was okay at home, always happy if he didn’t see any new bruises forming.  Freshman year ended in a blur and I spent the summer alone at home like I had done the previous summer.  Going into Sophomore year, I had decided to dorm at Eden Hall, I told my dad it would help me stay focused on hockey, give me more time to practice and thankfully, he bought it.  Really I just wanted to stay away from my dad, I wanted to have a little bit of freedom.

The last thing I expected was for Charlie to decide to dorm at school too.  And I certainly didn’t expect Charlie to be assigned as my roommate.  I couldn’t decide if I should jump for joy at the thought of spending all of my time with the man of dreams or cry because of the torture I would be subjected to rooming with him and knowing we would never be more than just roommates and teammates.

Rooming with Charlie was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  Sure, it was hard to be around him sometimes, especially when he was excited, the more excited he got, the more touchy feely he was.  But, living with Charlie was amazing, I really got to know him.  I knew that he called his mom every night before he went to bed to check in on her, make sure she was getting enough sleep and not pulling too many double at the diner, and he told her he loved her every night before he hung up.  I learned that he loved to read, something I never would have guessed about our captain.  I learned that Charlie was the furthest thing from a morning person and he could sleep through anything.  I knew that he hated math, and he got the most adorable look on his face when he was stuck on a problem, and he would give me puppy dog eyes until I would cross the room and help him out, even though sometimes it would take me explaining it 12 times before he _actually_ understood.  The more I learned about Charlie, the more I loved him.

\--

“Banksie! You _have_ to come to this party tonight, you _never_ come to any parties!”  I rolled my eyes at Charlie’s enthusiasm.  He was always begging me to go to parties with him.  I never really understood why he bothered, we both knew I was never going to say yes.

“Sorry, Charlie, I have a ton of homework to do, and I have to start studying for the SAT.”

“C’mon, Adam, live a little!  We’re sophomores, you have plenty of time to worry about the SAT, you can stand to go to one little party.”

“I wouldn’t have any fun, Charlie, we both know parties aren’t my scene.  You have a good time though, please don’t get too drunk, and make it home safe.”

He grinned and threw his arm around me, “you worry too much, Banksie, I’ll be fine, especially knowing I have you here to take care of me when I get home.”

I smiled at him and rolled my eyes, “good _bye_ , Charlie,” I laughed as I turned back to my History paper.

A few hours later, I was lying in bed, I had just turned out the lights and was drifting off to sleep as the door opened quietly.  Charlie tiptoed in and stumbled a little as he tripped over one of his shoes that was in the middle of the floor.  I sat up and he glanced over at me and giggled, “sorry, Banksie, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping yet, it’s fine, how was the party?”

Charlie walked over to my side of the room and settled down next to me in my bed, resting his head next to mine on the pillow.  My breath caught and my heart began to beat faster, Charlie had never gotten into my bed before, how drunk was he?  My imagination began to run wild thinking of all of the things that could happen with Charlie in my _bed_.

“The party was fine, but it would have been _way_ better if you had been there too, Banksie.”

I could feel Charlie’s breath on my neck, and I could smell the alcohol on him.  Heat was radiating off of him and I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself up in his arms, inhale his scent, stroke his cheek, kiss his lips, hold his hand.  I shuddered, willing myself to get out of my head, to stop thinking like that.  Charlie noticed me shudder and shuffled closer to my side, “you cold, Banksie?” he asked as he wrapped an arm around me and tucked one of his legs in between both of mine.  We were staring into each other’s eyes, he was so close we were practically one person, and my heart was beating out of my chest, the sound echoing in my ears.  Charlie reached a hand out and touched my lips slowly with his free hand, his other one resting lightly on my hip.  My breath hitched as he traced my bottom lip with his thumb, “Charlie—“ I whispered, too afraid to give in to what was happening, afraid that Charlie was too drunk to know what he was really doing, afraid of giving in to my feelings and letting myself get hurt, too afraid of losing Charlie.  Charlie shuffled impossibly closer, dropping his hand from my lips, and nuzzling his face into my neck, pressing a small kiss there, wrapping his arm around me tighter.  My eyes were wide, my hands were frozen to my sides, I was afraid to move, afraid to do anything, I wanted to stop him, I wanted to pull him closer, I didn’t know what I wanted.  I felt Charlie’s breathing even out, and he started to snore against my neck.  I let out the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding and felt my body begin to relax.  Seeing as Charlie was now asleep, in my bed, wrapped around me, I had no choice but to stay where I was.  I wrapped my arms around him, relishing in being wrapped up in Charlie, something I had wanted for so long and would never have again.  His head was tucked under my chin and I breathed in his smell, rubbing his back.  He looked so peaceful, I couldn’t help but smile, I ran a hand through his hair and felt him snuggle in closer and sigh, I wrapped my arms around him tighter as I drifted off to sleep.

\--

When I woke up in the morning, Charlie was gone from my arms, gone from my bed, gone from the room.  I started to wonder if the night before was really just a dream and Charlie didn’t sleep in my arms all night.  My pillow still smelled like him, and that was the only indication that I had that I hadn’t just been dreaming.  I sighed and sat up, holding my head in my hands.  I wanted to scream, it was getting harder and harder to keep my feelings for Charlie at bay.

I didn’t see Charlie all day but it was Saturday night so I knew he would be going out to another party.  I was sitting at my desk reviewing flashcards for the Chemistry test we were having on Monday when Charlie stumbled into the room.  I glanced up at him and he grinned when he saw me, still swaying slightly, trying to stay on his feet, “Banksie!” he exclaimed, walking over to me.  I sighed, seeing how drunk Charlie was, afraid that things may progress more than they did last night, afraid but also hoping that they would.  I stood up and put my flash cards down.  I grabbed Charlie’s arm, turning him around and steering him towards his bed. “C’mon, Conway, let’s get you in bed.” He giggled and leaned against me.  I sat him down on his bed, knelt down and started to pull his shoes off.  I stood up, and Charlie smiled up at me, he started to slide back to sit against his pillow, “come sit with me, Banksie.” I swallowed and hesitated for a second, a second too long for Charlie it seemed as he reached out and grabbed my hand, tugging me closer to him.  I crawled up onto the bed and settled down next to him.  He instantly pressed himself against my side and dropped his head onto my shoulder.  He was quiet for a moment, and I thought he had fallen asleep, he shifted slightly, snuggling into my side, and he mumbled softly against my shoulder, “you’re my best friend, Adam.”  I heard him sniffle, and glanced down at him, his eyes were closed, his face buried against my shoulder, but I saw a tear running down his cheek.  My heart broke looking at him, not knowing what was wrong but wanting to _fix_ it.

“Charlie,” I murmured, “are you okay?  You can talk to me.  Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”  He shook his head, burrowing into me further, as if hiding his face would make it so I couldn’t see him, so I wouldn’t know he was crying.  I shifted slightly, moving into a more comfortable position, laying down on Charlie’s bed, and tugging him along with me, wrapping him up in my arms, his head settling on my chest.  I felt his tears beginning to dampen my shirt, Charlie sniffling a little, his breath ragged.  My heart ached for the beautiful boy in my arms, I didn’t know what to do to make it better, I didn’t know what to say, so I settled for not saying anything and I just held Charlie as we both drifted off to sleep, in each other’s arms for the second night in a row.

\--

This time when I woke up, Charlie was still asleep, he had rolled over at some point during the night and we had readjusted our positions.  Charlie was still wrapped in my arms but now we were spooning, I was wrapped around Charlie, my lips pressed against the back of his neck, my hand was splayed across Charlies stomach, held in place by Charlie’s own hand.  He was breathing softly; I could feel every breath he took as I was pressed so tightly to him.  I felt him start to stir and I closed my eyes, wanted him to think I was still asleep, not wanting to face him when he realized I was asleep in his bed, not wanting to know what he thought of me.  He sat up and I kept my eyes closed, hoping he believed that I was truly asleep.  I felt him get up off the bed, I heard him mumble something that sounded a lot like “shit” and then I heard the door open and close quietly.  I waited a few minutes before opening my eyes and getting out of bed.  I sat at my desk and put my head in my hands, shaking my head slightly.  Charlie hates me now, that I was sure of, I screwed up our friendship by taking advantage of him while he was drunk.  I sighed and opened my laptop, deciding to get ahead on a research paper that wasn’t due for another few weeks, I needed a distraction.

Charlie came back to the room later, but he didn’t say anything.  I followed his example and stayed quiet myself, assuming he wanted nothing to do with me anymore and not blaming him for it at all.  Charlie was in bed, just staring blankly at the ceiling, and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I got up, grabbed my hockey bag and headed to the locker room.  I got changed, put on my skates and started doing laps around the ice.  I didn’t know how long I stayed on the ice, it didn’t feel like it was very long, but must have been a few hours because it was dark out by the time I had showered and left the locker room to head back to the dorms.  When I got back to my room, the light was out, and I could hear Charlie tossing and turning in his bed.  I crawled into bed and sighed, hating that I would be left with my thoughts.  I heard Charlie sit up, and I wondered what he would do next, would he say something to me?  Tell me he hated me?  Tell me he had requested a new roommate?  I was so lost in thought that I didn’t hear Charlie get up and I didn’t hear him walk across the room, I only realized he had when I felt the bed dip down and I felt his warmth next to me.  We weren’t touching at first, just lying next to each other.  He shifted slightly, and I glanced over at him, his eyes were open, his gaze was focused on the ceiling, much like it was earlier when I left the room, but I saw tears sparkling in his eyes.  I wasn’t sure if I should say something, do something, pull him closer or push him away.  His gaze shifted to me and his voice was so quiet, so timid, he didn’t sound like Charlie.  “How long has your dad been hitting you?” he asked, and I wasn’t sure why he did.  He never brought it up after the one time he saw the bruises, we never talked about it, and I was thankful for that.  It’s been a while since I’ve been home, so I know he hasn’t seen fresh bruises in weeks.

I sighed and rolled onto my side, facing Charlie fully, “I don’t know, Charlie, for as long as I can remember.  Since before pee wee’s, but I don’t know when it really started.”  He shook his head at that, squeezing his eyes shut, “why, Adam?  Why does he do it?”  I wasn’t expecting that question, didn’t quite know how to answer it.  “I don’t know what to tell you Charlie.  My dad finds any reason to hit me, I got a bad grade, I made a bad play, I didn’t practice enough, didn’t study enough, didn’t eat dinner fast enough, made too much noise walking up the steps.  It doesn’t matter what I do, what I don’t do, there’s always a reason.  I deserve it, he’s just trying to make me better, make me stronger, teach me a lesson.”

His eyes widened at that, “you…you think you deserve it?”

I frowned at him, feeling uncomfortable, backing away from him a little, “I do deserve it Charlie, if I didn’t deserve it, he wouldn’t hit me.  He’s my _dad_ he’s just doing what’s best for me.”

Charlie sat up and began wiping the tears off his face, “why are you defending him, Adam?  You _don’t_ deserve to be hit, _no one_ deserves that.  Is that why…is that why my mom won’t leave my stepdad, because she thinks she _deserves_ it when he hits her?”

I sat up too, not knowing how to respond, his stepdad was hitting his mom?  It made sense now, Charlie being upset, staring blankly at the ceiling all day and night, seeking me out for comfort.  I shifted closer to Charlie and my breath caught in my throat as I saw tears beginning to fall freely from his eyes.  I pulled him in close and wrapped my arms around him feeling him collapse into my arms, “Charlie, your mother is the last person in the world who deserves to be hit, you need to report him, you need to get her out of there.”

“Adam, she won’t let me, she has a broken rib and a black eye and she won’t let me _help_ her,” he sniffles and swipes his hand under his nose, “Adam, why won’t either of you get _help_?”

I say quiet, not knowing what to say, I can’t report my father, we both know that.  Besides, things with my dad haven’t been as bad with me living away from home, Charlie knows that.  “Charlie, if your mom is in danger, you have to report it, she’ll forgive you, but you have to help her, if you don’t, you don’t know what could happen to her.”

He was quiet for a few minutes, all I could hear was the sound of our breathing, I could tell his tears had subsided and he started to pull out of my arms.  He looked me in the eyes, and placed his hand against my cheek, stroking the spot he had first seen a bruise on me all of those months ago.  “Adam, I wish you never had to see your dad again, I wish he couldn’t hurt you.  I see what it’s doing to my mom and…she’s not herself anymore, she’s just a shell of who she used to be and it breaks my heart.  And seeing you, knowing you all of these years, you’ve always been so timid, so quiet, shy, and it makes me so fucking angry knowing that your dad, your _fucking dad_ is the one who did that to you, knowing he’s the one who silenced you, made you believe no one could _care_ about you.  My mom won’t even answer my calls anymore, he won’t let her, I don’t even know if she’s _okay_ and I’m afraid she’ll hate me if I do something, she said she would never speak to me again if I told, I don’t know what to _do,_ Adam.  I know I have to tell, I _will_ tell, but what if she hates me?”

“Charlie, listen to me, she’s your mother, and she loves you _so much_.  You are her entire _world_ , she could never hate you, I promise you that.”

“What about you, Adam?  Will you ever report your dad?”

“You know that I can’t Charlie, I could try but it would backfire, and it would just fuel the fire and my dad could seriously hurt me.  It’s never been bad enough to worry anyone.  You’re the only person to ever say anything, to ever notice, and I don’t want you to worry about it Charlie, to worry about me.  I’m fine, my dad hasn’t bothered me in weeks, and before we know it, we’ll be off to college and he won’t be able to touch me, so please, don’t worry about me Charlie.”

“I’m always going to worry about you, Banksie, you’re my best friend.”

I smiled and ducked my head a little, “you’re my only friend, Charlie, but I promise you have nothing to worry about, I can take care of myself.”

He gave me a small, sad smile, and laid down on the bed again, tugging me down too.  “Can I sleep here, Adam?  I sleep better knowing you’re here.”

My breath caught as I looked at him, he looked so broken, so innocent, and as much as I wanted to tell him no, he had to go back to his own bed, I couldn’t tell him no and I nodded, relaxing against my pillow.  He laced his fingers with mine and closed his eyes.  When I was sure he was asleep, I brushed my lips against his forehead in a brief kiss.

\--

When I woke up in the morning, Charlie was getting dressed, he smiled over at me, “thanks for listening last night, Banksie, I called Bombay this morning, he’s going to help me with my mom, we’re meeting after practice today.”

I smiled back at him, “I’m glad to hear it Charlie, you’re doing the right thing.  I’m always here, anytime you want to talk.”

He came over and wrapped me in his arms, giving me a hug, “I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like you, Banksie, but thank you for being there for me.”

He was tugging on my heart strings, making me fall even more for him.  He didn’t think he deserved _me?_   It was me who didn’t deserve a friend like _him_.  He pulled away and smiled at me again, giving me a quick wave and walking out the door.

When Charlie got back to the room that night he was all smiles, closer to his normal self, something I hadn’t seen in a few days.  He sat next to me on my bed and told me that Bombay went to talk to his mom while we were in school and he was able to convince her to press charges and that Bombay had his stepfather out of the house before Charlie even got over there.  Bombay really was a miracle worker.  And I loved seeing Charlie happy again.  He stood up saying something about grabbing a shower before bed and left the room.  I got under the covers and rolled onto my side, facing away from Charlie’s side of the room.  I was still wide awake when Charlie got back from his shower, and I heard him getting ready for bed before he shut off the light.  Time passed and I heard Charlie tossing and turning for quite some time before he sighed, frustrated.

“Banksie?”

I was caught off guard by his whisper, and I contemplated whether or not I should pretend to be asleep.  Hoping that I would be able to spend another night with Charlie curled up next to me, I answered him, “yeah, Charlie?”

I could hear the smile in his voice, “I was hoping you were still awake.  Do you mind…do you mind if I come over there?”

“No, Charlie, I don’t mind.”  I shifted over, making room for him, and he slid in next to me, wrapping his arms around me this time, pressing up against my back.  “You’re so warm,” he mumbled, “sleep so much better with you here.”  He let out a content sigh and I smiled, “I sleep better with you here too, Charlie.”

I felt myself finally begin to drift off to sleep and I swear I felt Charlie press a kiss behind my ear before pulling me tighter to his chest, just as I slipped off to sleep.

\--

The next night as we got ready for bed, Charlie didn’t say anything, he just got into my bed while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth.  I was startled when I came back into the room and saw Charlie under my covers, he grinned at me, “we both knew I was going to end up here anyway, might as well just start over here now.”  I felt my heart beating faster, it was getting harder to contain my feelings for Charlie, sleeping pressed up against him each night, wanting to kiss him, I didn’t know how much longer I could take it, I felt like I was going to explode.  I climbed into bed next to Charlie and he rolled over facing me, “Night, Banksie.”  We lay in silence for a few minutes, neither of us sleeping.  I rolled so that I was facing Charlie, his eyes were closed and I studied his face, he looked so peaceful, angelic even, I felt myself drawn to his lips, parted slightly, I stared at them, thinking about what it would be like to kiss them, taste them, have them pressed against my neck, my chest.  Then for a moment, I stopped thinking.   “Screw it,” I mumbled before pressing my lips against his. 

Almost instantly I shot back, realizing what I had done, his eyes flew open and I stared at him wide eyed. “Charlie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…that wasn’t…please…don’t hate me.”

He sat up slowly, a look on his face that I couldn’t quite read, he inched closer, “could never hate you, Adam,” he whispered as he closed the gap and pushed his lips against mine.

Kissing Charlie was nothing like I imagined.  It was better than I even could have anticipated.  His lips were soft and warm, his hand tangled into my hair while his other hand gripped my chin, tilting me up to meet his lips. His lips parted slightly, his tongue darting out, tentatively my own tongue began to dance with his as I settled my hands on his hips.  We kissed slowly, passionately, without any sense of urgency.  I felt a tingle running through me and I thought my heart might explode.  Charlie began to stroke my cheek and he tilted his head slightly for a better angle, his hand that had been playing with my hair reached down and found one of my own hands and we laced our fingers together.  I nipped at Charlie’s lower lip and he groaned softly, bringing me back to reality.  I pulled away, reluctantly, needing to know what this was, what this _meant_.

“Adam…what—“ Charlie panted out, “why did you stop?”

I was nearly breathless, Charlie’s face was flushed and his eyes wide, and I wanted nothing more than to push my lips against his and kiss him for hours, but I needed to know if this was just a hook up to him or if I could possibly mean to him what he means to me.

“Trust me Charlie, I didn’t want to stop,” I smiled shyly, glancing down at my hands in my lap. “I like you, Charlie, a lot, I have for…a really long time.  We can’t continue whatever this is, unless it means something to you.  I can’t be just a hook up, I care about you so much and it would break my heart if you didn’t feel the same way.”

“Fuck, Adam, of course this isn’t just a hook up.  Why do you think I’ve been crawling into bed with you?  I was hoping to figure out if you felt the same way for me.  I wasn’t so sure at first but the other night when you kissed my forehead, I was pretty sure you felt the same way.  I can’t believe you made the first move, I was waiting for more concrete proof before kissing you,” he grinned at me, “you’re a pretty good kisser there too, Banksie, I don’t know where you learned that from, but trust me, this isn’t just a hook up, I could kiss you forever.”

My heart had never felt so happy, Charlie _likes_ me, Charlie likes _me_ , _Charlie_ likes me!  I couldn’t stop repeating it in my head, I was pretty sure I was blushing and I couldn’t stop staring at Charlie, loving the way he was smiling at me.  “God, Charlie, I’ve liked you for as long as I can remember, you’re the only person who really _gets_ me, the only person I even _want_ to get me.  And trust me, I want you to kiss me forever.”

He smiled and brushed his lips against mine, mumbling against my lips, “forever can start right now” and with that he wrapped his arms around my neck and parted his lips, letting our tongues dance again.  He began to lean back against the bed, tugging me down with him, we rolled so that we were on our sides, face to face.  We pulled apart for a breath and I looked into Charlie’s eyes, he smiled at me, and I smiled at him, at our side, we locked hands and he tucked his head under my chin.  I pressed a kiss to the top of his head and I felt him smile against my chest, “goodnight, Adam,” I heard him murmur sleepily, I smiled and sighed contentedly, “g’night, Charlie.”

When I woke up the next morning, Charlie was awake, smiling at me.  I smiled back, thankful that last night wasn’t just a dream. Charlie snuggled against my chest, and I wrapped my arms around him, breathing in his scent, smiling to myself realizing this is actually _happening_ , what I’ve been dreaming about for years, it’s finally _real_.  For once, I feel like I deserve something good, I feel like I deserve Charlie Conway.

**Author's Note:**

> As of right now, I do have plans to add on another chapter or two. Hope you all enjoyed!


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